If I Only…

“You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart, I will be found by you, declares the LORD…” Jeremiah 29:13-14

If I only…can just get my workout completed before 7 a.m., I’ll be sure to have a productive day. If I only…can just get my Bible reading completed before I make my coffee, I’ll feel like I can enjoy my cup of coffee. If I only…can just get school completed with Abby for the day, I’ll feel like a good mom. If I only…can just get all of the laundry washed, dried and put away, my mind will be more freed up. If I only…can just get the floors swept and mopped, I’ll feel more accomplished. If I only…can just get the next chapter started on my writing project, I’ll feel like I’m doing something productive. If I only…can just get everything checked off my to-do list before everyone else gets home, I’ll feel better about myself. If I only…can just get dinner going, I’ll feel like I’m serving my family well. If I only…can just get the kitchen cleaned up, I’ll finally feel like I deserve to rest.

Task-oriented, list-checker, tight schedule-keeper… these are just a few ways I’m sure my family would describe my compulsion and desire to be productive and efficient. Though I’ve pretty much always been this way, I thought when I left my career in the middle of 2022, I would leave my notepads of lists in my desk drawer. I thought I’d begin a new chapter of life that didn’t include daily struggling with my over-working brain that is never satisfied or happy until every.single.thing.is.done.

But, the reality is… every single thing will never be done. I’m home all day, homeschooling my girl, working in ministry, co-teaching a weekly CO-OP class, taxi-driving my teens around, cooking for my family, keeping my home clean and inviting. And yet, daily I find myself seeking a meaningless relief and self-satisfaction by checking off my never-ending list of to-do’s.

Some days I get to the bottom of the list. I strategized all day, and never truly enjoyed any of it, just to get every box checked. Guess what? It still wasn’t enough. I still wasn’t satisfied. I still felt I could have produced more, “I should have added to the list,” I’ll silently tell myself. It can truly be madness.

Can you relate?

More recently I’ve realized how deep these notions of time-keeping and list-checking run. They’ve become mental idols. I’m consumed with them. I have a deeply rooted fear of appearing lazy to my family because I’m home now, so I never want to sit down until all of the laundry is completed, all of the meal is cooked, all of the mess is cleaned, and all the things in the house are perfect…. So I basically never sit down. Because I’m reaching for something that doesn’t exist. I’m exhausted. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically…exhausted.

If I only….

I want to be more like the women in the Bible who struggled for twelve years with a discharge of blood. I’ll pass on her physical ailment, but I want more of her heart set on Christ.

“For she said to herself, “If I only touch his garment, I will be made well” (Matthew 9:21 ESV).

Her eyes were set on Christ as her healer.

We’re the same, she and I. She needed something that only Christ could offer her. I need something that only Christ can offer me. Though hers was a physical illness that ailed her for over a decade, deeming her unclean for society—she knew she had to get to this man named Jesus. “If I only touch his garment…” She knew where the ultimate and true source of healing was…Jesus.

Don’t I know this, too? Why then do I not slow down, stop everything, put my notepad of lists away, and have the heart posture of… “If I only touch his garment…” And, I have something this woman didn’t have…she no doubt had to travel and weave her way through crowds surrounding the Messiah to draw near to Him. But, He’s already near to me. He lives on the inside of me! Because of His death on the cross by taking the wrath that you and I deserve from our Holy God because of sin, His burial, His glorious resurrection, and His ascension to heaven, He left us a gift… the gift of the Holy Spirit that comes and dwells inside of the believer! He is near, He is always near.  

Our perfect God left a beautiful promise to Jeremiah, “Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD…” (Jeremiah 29:12-14 ESV).

This promise is for the believer today, too.

If I seek Him with all my heart, He promises to be found. Though, I know I’m sealed for salvation, I never want to stop seeking my God, I never want to take a break in getting to know my God, I never want to halt falling deeper in love with my God, and I never want to cease trusting my God.

“…If I only touch his garment, I will be made well.” Jesus turned, and seeing her he said, “Take heart daughter; your faith has made you well.” And instantly the woman was made well” (Matthew 9:21-22 ESV).

My God has made me well by the gift of His salvation and the grace He continues to pour out on me. He never stops drawing me deeper into sanctification, making me more holy like Him. He even pursues me in the midst of my meaningless battles of attempting to control the day by lists. He is near, He is always near.

Next time I write a to do list, I vow to begin with, “If I only touch his garment…” meaning if all I do is abide in Him, walk in step with His Holy Spirit, and I don’t mark anything else of my self-gratifying list…I will have been made well…

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God

Ardently His,

Jess