Somewhere Between Answered Prayers & Internal Wars

“I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”

(Galatians 2:20)

Though, I’ve all but patented the words…I Trust my God…I haven’t lately…trusted my God. In fact, I’ve been plagued with worry, anxiousness, and self-consumed with what I want in this momentary life. I’ve tainted my answered prayers…the prayers nesting and manifesting all around me. My current state can become distorted and lost somewhere between the myth of a rainbow and butterfly life and the reality of a life filled with dying to self, pushing me in the trenches of my sanctification journey—cutting and burning my sin, self-centeredness, and worldly desires—leaving more purified places that took a lot of pain to reflect my Jesus even just a little bit. Then in my weakness and self-centeredness I find myself picking up the cut and burned pieces of darkness and my flesh aches and I want to put the pieces back into their familiar places.

But they don’t quite fit anymore.

And I’m sad, and I’m thankful at the same time. My flesh craves those pieces back where they’ve camped for years. But my spirit knows they don’t belong there anymore. And it’s a war, a never-ending war on this side of glory. Battles come and battles go. Victories are celebrated with praises to My Lord for strengthening me for my journey. But battles are lost too. At the end of some days I am met with defeat, exhaustion, tears, and fear of the unknown.

I don’t want to give up some things in the way I know the Lord is calling me to do.  

I.don’t.want.to. 

But I know I have to. 

I crave to be understood by those around me. I crave to be different. I crave to be more Christ-like in all circumstances. And I fail, over, and over, again. I fail. 

But God.

You know Who doesn’t fail? My God.

And He’s doing something. He’s so personal, He’s so near. The Creator of the universe is doing something in me. He’s working and rearranging all of the things that don’t align with His truth, His Word, His goodness. And it hurts. It’s as if a limb is being dismembered. I don’t care if that queues the dramatics curtain. It hurts. The cutting, the burning, the dismembering of a sin nature so masked that it didn’t even feel like sin until it’s exposed and held to the light of truth illuminated through God’s Holy Word. 

It hurts. I hurt. And it’s time to say goodbye to things I’ve held so close, idolized, and found temporal peace in for far too long. 

My time.

An uninterrupted schedule. 

A life of order.

A perfect home.

A surface reaching peace. 

A facade of control.

Cut it off. Burn it to pieces. Dismember it. 

Whatever it is the Holy Spirit is leading you to kill, stop fighting it. Surrender. Draw your sword and slay it with help from the Holy Spirit.

As Christ followers our individual journey is different—but has one goal—to reflect the image of Jesus. The moral standard of right and wrong and revelation of “big” sins should be blindingly clear—but sin and darkness comes in many forms—All-consuming, reeking of death, but also slow and subtle. Sin can sneak in and disguises itself as good and peaceful, but slowly becomes poison that screams to be poured first as our day begins. 

What is your slow and subtle poison? What is creeping to the center of your worship?

Or, maybe it’s just me struggling to lay aside these subtle—unknowing to anyone else sins—that are stealing my joy, peace, and creating a false reality of a life that doesn’t exist.

In Romans chapter 7, the apostle Paul writes about being freed from the law through Christ.

“…You also have died to the law through the body of Christ, so that you may belong to another, to him who has been raised from the dead, in order that we may bear fruit for God. For while we were living in the flesh, our sinful passions, aroused by the law, were at work in our members to bear fruit for death. But now we are released from the law, having died to that which held us captive, so that we serve in the new way of the Spirit and not in the old way of the writing code.

What then shall we say? That the law is sin? By no means! Yet if it had not been for the law, I would not have known sin. For I would not have known what it is to covet if the law had not said, “You shall not covet.” But sin, seizing an opportunity through the commandment, produced in me all kinds of covetousness. For apart from the law, sin lies dead. I was once alive apart from the law, but when the commandment came, sin came alive and I died. The very commandment that promised life proved to be death to me. For sin, seizing an opportunity through the commandment, deceived me and through it killed me. So the law is holy, and the commandment is holy and righteous and good” (Romans 7:4-12 ESV).

I’ve read this passage dozens of times through the years. But in the more recent years, these words have come to life to me. Paul describes the war of flesh and spirit so perfectly. Though we are freed from the law of just following these religious rules—the law is necessary, but apart from Christ the law leads to death.

Have you ever found yourself in a season of knowing all the right answers, knowing all the right Bible verses to turn to, but yet the discipline of surrendering to the Holy Spirit is left dusty on the top shelf?

Paul continues with, “Did that which is good, then, bring death to me? By no means! It was sin, producing death in me through what is good, in order that sin might be shown to be sin, and through the commandment might become sinful beyond measure. For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am flesh, sold under sin. For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me” (Romans 7:13-20 ESV).

When we are in Christ—sin in our lives will be revealed to us, even sins that are masked with good intentions, but are still a form of idolatry since we’re seeking peace from those things rather than our Lord and Savior.

It hurts our flesh and natural depraved nature knowing we have to lay these sins down over and over daily until our final day on this earth. But, what a gift the Lord has given us as one who He has mercifully gifted salvation to—the gift of Himself. We know through God’s Word that He won’t abandon, forsake, tire of, push aside, or leave us to fight our fleshly battles alone. NO! His Word PROMISES Himself to the believer in Jesus Christ.

In Deuteronomy 31:18, Moses summons Joshua and says, “It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” Then in verse 23 of the same chapter, the Lord Himself commissions Joshua saying, “Be strong and courageous, for you shall bring the people of Israel into the land that I swore to give them. I will be with you.”

The Psalmist pens in Psalm 9:10, “And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you.”

I don’t want to covet, idolize, or submit to my own comforts in my daily life any longer. I want what my God wants for my life—which is to look more and more like my Jesus. Regardless of the pain it causes my flesh. The pain won’t matter in eternity. The obsessiveness with time, perfection of space, and resentfulness of chaotic schedules won’t matter.

…And if those things won’t matter in eternity, why should they consume me now?

Rather, I want to be consumed with God’s Word. I want to be consumed in growing in knowledge of the holiness and goodness of God. I want to be consumed with God’s love and learning to love others with the love of Christ.

No matter the battles we face in this fallen world, no matter the difficulty we endure from the daily slaying of our flesh, no matter the deep submission to sufferings beyond our control in this momentary life… no matter… God is with us until the end…and for eternity… Emmanuel.

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.

Ardently His,

Jess Dennis