Rollercoasters and Wanderings

Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. – I Corinthians 16:13 (NIV)

I thought I had it pretty well conquered, that anxiety that plagued me for years. Once I learned to cast the everyday anxieties far away from myself into the capable hands of Jesus and trust in His sovereignty, everything changed. I had experienced firsthand, time and time again, how trust played out for my good.  As a result, I let my guard down.

Our recent vacation to Colorado was to be a sweet time of rest. We had reserved a cabin above Woodland Park, also known as the “City Above the Clouds,” and looked forward to spending time there with our family, enjoying the views from the mountaintop. It would be perfect.

But it wasn’t. We arrived exhausted after a 13-hour car ride on Sunday evening and didn’t stay up to enjoy the beautiful night views of the sparkling town below. We knew we would have two more nights to enjoy it. However, suddenly on Monday morning, just 14 hours after we had arrived, my husband unexpectedly experienced extreme dizziness and light-headedness, so bad that it prompted us to go to the nearest emergency room, where the physician diagnosed Acute Severe Altitude Sickness with Cerebral Edema and Pulmonary Edema (which meant he had swelling in his brain and fluid building up on his lungs). If you know anything about my testimony, you know that I battled fear over my husband’s health for many years and finally found peace in the truth that our days are numbered. I firmly believe this truth in scripture, which tells me that Keith will not die a single minute sooner or later than God has already ordained. When I think about the day of his death, I have peace in knowing that if the Lord calls him before me, He will be with me on that day. Not only does scripture assure me of that, I’ve heard from many whose stories confirm that His presence is magnified on that day and the days to follow. It took a long time to reach this place of peace, but God met me there, and I felt fairly confident that I had conquered that fear.

But it’s easy to have confidence in the absence of a storm, when things are good and calm. As Scripture tells us, the testing of our faith sometimes occurs…and sometimes it’s in the place of our hardest fought battles, where it seems victory had already been secured. On this day, I found myself going from the delight of a relaxing family vacation, where I had anticipated experiencing the glory of God from the mountaintop, to falling into bewilderment that this was happening…that my husband was experiencing such a health crisis instead. And I was rattled to my core. As a result, I followed the enemy into the land of “what ifs,” where my peace would be sought on Google rather than with God. My medical background gave me an even greater desire to understand this better because, as a nurse in Texas, I had never had to deal with altitude sickness. So, my first step into the land of Google was innocent enough. But the enemy has a way of ensnaring us through our innocence. If I were to accept pseudo-peace from knowledge of what was going on, then he would have my attention. And if any of the knowledge I had brought unrest, and he could get me to deeper diving into the abyss of the internet, I couldn’t abide fully in Christ.

The enemy had me exactly where he wanted me. The truth is, I hadn’t been on guard against this attack because it was so unexpected. In the aftermath, I was bewildered by how easily and quickly I had fallen.  I sought the Lord and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears (Psalm 34:4)…but why did it take so long? I was praying for this the entire time, even while Googling. I pressed in further to fully understand this and recognized it as both a test and an answer to prayer.

In the week prior to our vacation, I had prayed specifically for my husband “to have a greater focus on his health…no matter what it takes” and for me to have greater refinement in the areas that God could see that perhaps I was blind. I remember cringing at the thought of “be careful what you ask for…”, then confidently responded to my thought “…but it’ll be so worth it since it will be from God.” The truth is that those hard-answered prayers are always worth it, no matter what we have to go through to get the refinement we asked for. I had forgotten all about those prayers in the midst of the storm, but He clearly had not.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4  

At midnight, following Keith’s discharge from the ER, this verse came to mind. I recognized this as a trial, but couldn’t fathom how it could be all joy. I couldn’t bring myself to see it as that. I just wanted to see the numbers on the pulse oximeter Keith was wearing come up as he slept. Yet they kept dipping into the mid-80’s allowing more fear to seep in. They didn’t stay down long enough for me to know we needed to go back to the ER, but still ushered in the “what if they go down and stay there if I doze off?” I was exhausted, but was afraid to take my eyes off the pulse oximeter. I prayed for God to improve the numbers and for overwhelming peace to take over, as if the two had to be connected. Yet, the numbers continued to dip, and I was starting to feel betrayed. It was then that I was reminded that faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. (Hebrews 11:1). The truth was that I didn’t need to see the numbers I wanted for my reassurance; I could instead trust God with this because He had already proven Himself faithful. With that comfort, I drifted off to sleep.

When I awoke, Keith’s oxygen percentage was higher, but it didn’t stay that way. The trial persisted all that week and into the following week. I admit to reaching for Google far more than my flesh should have allowed while simultaneously praying. In the aftermath, I was desperate to understand how my flesh could have given in to such fear. I was brought to the understanding that I hadn’t stayed alert to the cunning work of the enemy and, as a result, I was not standing on solid ground. I was on a rollercoaster of emotions. Some highs and many lows and fast drop-offs in between. If I can be honest with you, I hate roller coasters, or at least the kind with steep plunges, but yet that is where I found myself emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and even physically as my heart rate also responded with its own sharp escalations to the current status of Keith’s health and the myriad of “what if’s” that the enemy had led me to.

The thing about roller coasters is that we can never stand firm when we are on one. We are fully subject to the highs and lows and go only where our circumstances…and our emotions…take us. Our view is completely distorted in the chaos of the twists and turns, ups and downs. The roller coaster may pause momentarily at a high point, and it seems like we are then able to finally see clearly, only to have a plummet immediately follow, and we are at a low point again.

Does this sound familiar to you at all? Have you ever followed the enemy’s enticement to get on a rollercoaster with him? It doesn’t always have to be the fear-based “what if” rollercoaster. It can even be the hopeful “what if” rollercoaster that rides the ups and downs of wants and desires being fulfilled. Or it can be a rollercoaster of insecurity. Or a relationship rollercoaster. Or even a financial rollercoaster. Anything that diverts our clear focus on God and produces highs and lows in us can be a rollercoaster. Our enemy tempts us in all possible ways to distract us until something works to get us to join him there. That’s why we must stay vigilant so we can remain on solid ground.

I don’t usually enjoy actual roller coasters, so I’ve spent lots of time looking up at them while others have ridden. And I’ve given a lot of thought to the difference between riding and watching. When we are watching, we are always on solid ground. We can see everything that’s happening with the roller coaster as others ride it, but we are not moved or affected by it. Our vision remains clear and our feet firmly planted. And that’s exactly what our Christian Walk should mirror. When the enemy steps in to tempt us to step into any place where we cannot clearly keep our focus on God, we should refuse to go.

Yet, I had failed at this. And as I stepped into that place of seeking answers to give myself peace, God had allowed it. He not only allowed me to be tempted, but gave me over fully to my sin because it was necessary as part of my chastening to bring about greater sanctification. (Okay, I hear some of you saying, “That’s not sin…”, but yes, in fact, it was, as much as I hate to admit it. The original Hebrew word translated as sin is defined as “missing the mark,” so things like spiraling thoughts are sinful because they miss the mark of fully trusting God.) He’s a good Father, so I needed to fully experience the consequences of my wandering to the land of Google and getting on the rollercoaster of “what-ifs”. As much as I would have preferred that God just meet me in the place of my “what-ifs” with a flooding of peace to drown them out, that’s not His best for me because I would then continue to allow myself to wander into what-ifs at times. But by withholding His peace from that place, I’m further refined, which is precisely what I had prayed for. I was reminded that being on guard at all times is essential. It was humbling to experience this in an area of my life that I thought I had mastered giving my anxieties to God and receiving His peace. The truth is, we never master anything. We can’t because we are flawed humans living in a world where our spirit will constantly be at war against fleshly temptations. That’s why we must stay on guard to recognize the subtle places where the enemy is tempting us to follow him onto roller coasters. It is our refusal to get on these roller coasters that helps enable us to stand firm.

But as Christians, we aren’t called to just stand firm, which implies something we can do on our own. Instead, we stand firm in our faith. Standing firm in our faith means we hold fast to the truths of scripture and, as a result, don’t need worldly wisdom to give us any pseudo-peace, or worldly affirmation, money, etc., to give us pseudo-security. We only need Jesus, as He is our firm foundation on which we stand. It’s only through faith in Jesus that we can withstand temptations and challenges. It’s this faith that enables us to stand firm (2 Corinthians 1:24) and to overcome the world (1 John 5:4), specifically all the highs and lows that our earthly existence brings. We can watch our circumstances rise and fall, but we do not have to be affected by them if we stay alert, refuse to be tempted to get on the roller coaster by taking our thoughts captive to Christ, stay firmly planted in Word so we can answer all “what ifs” with the truth, and keep Christ always as our firm foundation with our gaze and our thoughts securely fixed upon Him.

If you are wondering how everything turned out in this trial, we are still waiting to find out, as my husband has yet to fully recover from this event. But things are different now. In the midst of this rollercoaster, God helped me realize my need to get off the rollercoaster and to refuse to get back on when the enemy was tempting me with yet more health issues that needed answers. No, they didn’t need answers; they just needed faith in a God who already knows all of the answers. Instantly, when I refused to go there again, true peace flooded my soul and has not departed. Because things have not yet fully resolved with his health, I’m in a place of waiting, and I’m grateful because our waiting on the Lord always grows perseverance. As for my husband, he has a much greater focus on his health with a determination to take better care of himself and his body. I smile at the way God accomplished both of these things that were prayed in the same prayer, answered through the same trial. And I consider it all joy.

Ardently His,

Leah

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