Grief Trail

“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world,” (John 16:33 ESV)

Troubles, tribulation, and transgressions are a part of humanity. It’s inescapable, unavoidable, and a part of this life clothed in flesh.

As Christ followers we should regularly think upon our personal trials that have helped establish our faith on the solid rock of Jesus Christ. These should become like pillars in our individual faith journey.

If you know my story, you know I am well-acquainted with grief. The deep grief of losing a spouse is hard to put into words. Even after years and remarrying, the grief still knocks at times. As an avid runner, I’ll often use running trails to physically recognize and let out the grief that overwhelms the depths of my soul from loss. I have a favorite trail I’ve run for years. I discovered it after my husband passed. This trail holds many pounding steps of my feet as I run and pray. This trail has not only helped me process the loss of my husband, but also the heartache of a breakup, the overwhelming days of motherhood, the anxieties of many changes in life, and so much more. It is my grief trail.

But recently, my heart has been heavy with another kind of grief. My heart was wrenched with the weight of sin and the devastation it causes. My grief trail felt the weight of my pounding feet as I cried and ran. My heart was mourning a different kind of loss. A loss caused by sin that devastates lives, strips titles, and removes positions. I hate sin. I hate the flesh and bones we’re stuck in.

I found my grieving heart selfishly crying to be in glory. My grieved heart didn’t want to face the changes that would soon be inevitable. My grieved heart questioned much of God’s plans. As my feet continued to beat across the worn road, I found my grieved heart marinating on the cross. I found my grieved heart praising my God for His unfathomable mercy to His children. I found my grieved heart remembering when God showered the revelation of His ardent love and mercy on my own life marred by sin.

With each step crunching the gravel, I was reminded of my Holy God’s sovereign grace in my life. The memories of my own title deteriorating sin sat heavy on my heart.

I was reminded of those deeply embedded pillars of faith He’s established in my life through my sin. It wasn’t because I was sinless and perfect—He literally pursued me smack dab in the middle of my sinful plans. He awakened my running heart to the truth of how utterly depraved I was. He poured His mercy on me. He poured His salvation on me, numbering my days as eternal with Him. Why? Why would He do that? I’m corrupt and scheme to have my own way. I’m detestable and wretched without His spirit guiding me, convicting me, and continuing to sanctify me.

We’re doomed left to our own devices and plans. We are depraved at birth and sinning is etched into who we are because of the sin of Adam. Apart from God’s beautiful, sacrificial plan for salvation for His children, we would all be residing in hell for eternity.

Jesus never promises a sinless life for the saints while living their earthly lives. He promises a way out of habitual sin through the Holy Spirit. But, even with sin still present, salvation is sealed for the saint with a repentant heart (1 John 1:9). Titles may be stripped, reputations may be ruined, consequences may be lived out, hearts may need healing, but my God seals, loves, commits, and never leaves His child in the rubble of sin. He is committed to His glory, and He will keep what He’s marked as His before the foundations of the world were set.

As the miles passed by, and the sweat dripped, my hurting heart was awakened to a deeper understanding of salvation. As a repentant believer in Jesus Christ as our only Savior, we have salvation for eternity. But isn’t it more than just for eternity? Isn’t His salvation for now? His gift of salvation is constantly saving us now. Yes, sin will still be a part of our lives until glorification happens at our earthly death. There is no perfect alleviation of our sin nature before then. Think of the most sanctified Christian you know and remind yourself, that yes, they too, sin.

The Holy Spirit was ministering deeply to my soul and reminding me that even the brother or sister in Christ that reached out to the temptation and truly sinned a grievous sin are still His. The sin was committed; the Holy Spirit drew them to repentance; offering an immediate form of salvation from their sin that they allowed to overwhelm them momentarily. What a gift for the child of God! We are ALL depraved and fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). But God is committed to continually saving us because He has gifted us with eternal salvation. His Holy Spirit living inside of us protects us from embracing even more sin that lurks in our ruined hearts of flesh. It’s a constant salvation experience for the believer; it’s not just reserved for eternity, but for the here and now. Do you see it? It’s all by Him, through Him, and for Him. It really has nothing to do with us at all, we just get to bask in His glory and relish in freedom from the shackles of sin.

The beautiful thing about the faith the Lord has placed in our hearts is we can believe that the Bible is all-sufficient and infallible, therefore we can accept the mysteries of the gospel. Mysteries such as: God doesn’t create, condone, or rejoice over mankind’s sin, but He’s not surprised by it and is sovereign over it, and will ultimately be glorified through it. My flesh can’t explain that. But my spirit rests in my God knowing that He holds the mysteries, and He is good. Always good.

Because my God is good and has shown me His goodness, love, and mercy, I can do the same for others. He promises that His love will not depart from His child.

“For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,” says the LORD, who has compassion on you,” (Isaiah 54:10 ESV).

My grief trail holds new tears as of late. Tears of praising my perfect, magnificent, holy Creator who is worthy of every ounce of my praise…even when I’m hurting and grieving.

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.

Ardently His,

Jess